i love morris: The "science" of a garden hose?

Friday, April 11, 2025

The "science" of a garden hose?

John Candy

I sometimes imagine the late John Candy playing someone just like me when I go to the hardware store. He had the "everyman" image in a likeable way. The kind of guy who'd need assistance from store employees. In a way, sort of bumbling along but getting through life.

Someday I think we'll appreciate John Candy and the characters he played even more. He came up when "SCTV" was making a splash on TV. A lot of that show's "bits" were intended as a satire on television. But as the years passed and we saw TV get more fragmented and cheapened, the parody seemed to become real. TV became like that and it wasn't a put-on so much any more. Remember Morton Downey Jr.? Remember "Elimidate?"

I have mentioned the Candy persona to a friend now and then as I do chores on my home property. Time to stop at the hardware store again!

And now as I become a little Andy Rooney-ish here, let me ask "have you ever noticed?" Rooney would intro a piece in such a way as he shared about a common everyday experience. Trivial as heck but yet important to us at the time. And to discuss these things as I am doing now, gives us the feeling we're not alone when we have confusion or misadventures at the hardware store or any other kind of store.

"Can I help you?" a clerk will say. We're in the store to acquire a basic type of item. But then, shock: We have choices! And don't you come away very often thinking there are too many choices?

I was very early this year in looking for a new garden hose. Commend me on doing this in month of March: getting prepared. I guess I use the hose mainly for keeping my rain gutter system "flushed out." At age 70 I can still get up on a ladder around my house. And so I use a running hose to ensure the drainage portion of system is free of leaves or organic stuff or "gunk" - you know what I mean.

Our Minnesota governor has said that rain gutters often are under-appreciated by homeowners for their importance. We went too many years at my family's residence not being vigilant enough. I am highly vigilant now. So I felt I needed an additional garden hose recently. Oh, and I also planted new grass seed at the end of last autumn after Craig Beyer removed some more trees where I live. My property had gotten overgrown.

I'm looking at doing a fair amount of watering this spring. Oh, to see spring truly set in - there is impatience. I plod around my property now and it's an adventure in wet ground.

Why is this complicated?

Buying a garden hose, I was really only thinking in terms of how long it should be. Is it true that stores sell more substandard stuff nowadays? Rhetorical question.

So, the guy played by John Candy (me) learned that when buying a hose nowadays, you must specifically find one that is billed as "kink-free." And even those might be a little susceptible to kinking. Holy balls. Mr. Candy came away wondering: why would any store even offer garden hoses that are prone to kinking? But they do. The situation can be hopeless. The disappointing hose that I bought had the name of a "name" hardware chain. I won't type it here.

I went to a second store in Morris and this time bought a product that specifically presented itself as "kink-free." Live and learn, obviously.

Now to the broader question: why do stores including hardware stores and most certainly grocery stores offer too many varieties or "choices" of things? John Stossel the great libertarian once did a documentary that answered this exact question. We're talking business competition and profit motive, of course. You see, all the companies that produce what we buy want maximum display space in the stores.

Stossel held up two different kinds of barbecue sauce and asked "can anyone really tell the difference between these?" The company puts pressure on the store operators like our Paul Martin. "You just have to offer all these choices." And so the companies seek optimum display space for their brand.

Oh I'm sure Paul knows all about this. I brought this up with Jay Nelson once and he knew all about it. And I think maybe the best example is the aisle with all the breakfast cereals! Why so many kinds? Seems to me these could be trimmed down to three or four basic choices. It would be nice to see a store a third as big as Willie's that pares down to the essentials.

I can't help but think that grocery stores are a little outdated with their basic approach, as they seem designed for large young families like what was typical when I was growing up: my boomer generation. Families with 3-4 kids where the mother spent most of her time at home. Girls took "home ec" classes in school to prepare for that kind of life. Families would assign dishwashing duties at the end of the day.

Dishwashing strikes me as more trouble than it's worth, and it's wear and tear on your plumbing too, isn't it? Willie's sells "Drano" and like products but my plumbing company says stay away from that stuff.

I think grocery stores could offer "grab and go" meals more. Actually I think the kind of meals offered by Meals on Wheels would be ideal for everyone. Make yourself eat some beets, squash and sauerkraut sometimes. You'll be healthier.

When it comes to breakfast cereals, I think the only real question for Mr. Candy (me) to weigh is "sweetened or unsweetened?" When I was a kid, Saturday morning "kids TV" was loaded with commercials for sweetened breakfast cereals. Today I don't touch the stuff. Well, I really don't touch breakfast cereal because my refrigerator is unplugged. As a diabetic the last thing I need is a "fridge" full of food temptations. I have a big hot breakfast downtown and that really gets me through the day.

Hope I don't have to go to the hardware store again for a while. Need a mousetrap? There are several different kinds of course. And I can just see John Candy examining things with his always-affable personality, never revealing any actual confusion. He's on top of things even though he knows he's rolling the dice much of the time. Just like me.

I'll have you know I am continuing home improvements. I'm having the windows and one storm door on the north side of the house replaced this summer. I began the window replacement on my older home (1962) after Mom passed away in 2018. I had always heard Andersen Windows was the best. I looked up their contact information on the laptop and was directed to a Fargo-based business. And so that's who I have been working with.

I suppose it would have been better to work through a Stevens County business. But I called Andersen Windows and that's who they put me in touch with. They're happy working with John Candy.

RIP John Candy. Your persona reflected so many of us. Confident even in the face of being confused.