Obviously I thank the Morris community profusely for your caring and acknowledgment at the time of Mom's memorial service. Funerals in general are not as well-attended as they once were. I was informed of this by Pastor Paul Erdahl while he served at First Lutheran. The way we handle such things is changing just like so many institutions in our society are changing. Change can overwhelm us but we cannot resist it. We must accept it and move on.
When my father died about six years ago, I don't think the word "cremation" was even part of the name of the Morris funeral business. Cremation has become preferred by a rapidly increasing number of people. Another alternative that could gain ground is "natural burial" where the body is simply placed in the ground and allowed to decompose (the way God intended, many of us might suggest).
Some of us sniff at the funeral business because of a suggestion that it might be exploitative. The family is vulnerable and having to make decisions fast. I'm quite convinced that the funeral home people in Morris and elsewhere are sincere people wanting to offer a service that will provide solace. Brooke at our local funeral home was a wonderful person through services for both Mom and Dad.
On a more sober level, families must realize that a funeral is a business transaction. When you get taken in the room of caskets to observe, don't feel defensive about thinking about cost a little. Same with other funeral home services. Our current First Lutheran pastor thought it was quite necessary to have a formal committal at the cemetery. I went along with that and am now thankful. I'm told I will get no separate bill for that. Mom's cremation urn will be buried at our family plot at 4 p.m. on May 24.
We have a nice black bench monument in the new portion of the cemetery. I arranged for that after Dad's death, just after the cemetery changed its policy to allow for monuments other than flatstones. I feel sorry for families who might have wanted traditional monuments but were forced to go with the flatstone. I suggest that the flatstone-only policy was to make it easier to mow grass at the cemetery.
Anyone is welcome to "sit a spell" on our bench when you're at the cemetery. If a cemetery attendant should shout at you, just tell them "Brian said it's OK." I chose a bench monument for a reason.
My name is in the middle portion of the monument. I have "caregiver" listed above "journalist" because I feel the caregiver role was a higher priority in my life. People are living longer, and more and more families have to confront serious issues about how a loved one is to be properly cared for as the medical issues mount. My mom was in home hospice for her last year. Both my dad and mom died at home.
I read an op-ed about how elaborate funerals are waning. One major reason cited is our more mobile society of today. In other words, people are less likely to be associated with a particular community. They don't build up a lifelong web of friends like before, like in the Norman Rockwell days.
There was a time in America when the visitation was held in a private home. I read a recollection by someone who grew up in the '30s and '40s, noting that funerals then were meant to be profoundly sad. Today the idea is to make the funeral "a celebration of life" even though this contradicts our true feelings.
I think embalming could become an antiquated practice. I told Brooke that I never really cared for looking at an embalmed body. The practice of embalming took over as an accepted norm after the Lincoln funeral train - did you know that? Did you know that when Jefferson Davis had his reviewal, his body was decaying badly?
No, I'm quite content having had my mom cremated, and I thank Marilyn Syverson for being the urn carrier. Marilyn is associated with Sons of Norway in Morris. Of course when I was a kid, she was the girls phy. ed teacher! I couldn't take Mom to Sons of Norway meetings toward the end because she had "sundowning" symptoms where she could be agitated, talk to herself etc. The Knute Nelson Hospice people typically came in the morning when Mom was quite composed and calm. She had some mental decline toward the end but it was never total.
Mom and I were delighted seeing the rabbit visitors in our backyard. We made up little conversations we'd be having with them! I will remember that forever when I see the rabbits and squirrels stop by. Sometimes I'll talk as if Mom is still with me. I once asked Del Sarlette if it's OK to have a "conversation" with a deceased loved one at the gravesite. We saw this with the Jimmy Stewart character in "Shenandoah," when he'd visit his wife's grave. Del said such behavior is OK "but don't get carried away with it."
I'd like to tell my dad that it was never necessary for me to have any music accomplishments at all. I'd have been optimally happy just being a normal, unexceptional kid.
What would I tell my mom? I'd tell her that it was foolish to have such inhibitions about male/female relationships. She sure wasn't uninhibited when forming her relationship with Dad. With me she acted like she didn't even want to broach the subject, as if it was some profound taboo thing: to have an opposite sex friend. But we're all allowed to have a fault or two, Mom.
The University of Minnesota was central to my parents' lives. I'll remind you that Dad graduated from the U and taught at the U's St. Paul campus (the "school of ag") in the 1950s before we came to Morris. I always felt a little inhibited and scared around UMM as if it was a place where I didn't belong. Today I can be a benefactor and supporter and not worry about ever having to take a class there. I was present for the first UMM graduation in 1964.
I thank our new pastor at First Lutheran, Rev. Dan Belgum-Blad, for serving as officiating clergy at Mom's last rites. We had several short-term pastors before him.
Had a minister not been readily available for the service, I would have just offered money to Pastor Donald Main of St. Paul's Lutheran to do it, anywhere that was practical. For a time, Pastor Main seemed more like our regular pastor than anyone else. We got to know him because he stopped by McDonald's at a time of day when our family was often there. Then we attended some of his services late Sunday afternoon at West Wind Village, third Sunday of the month. He's a songwriter like me! I hear that his Wisconsin Synod is more strict than ours. I figure I could easily fit in with his church because my life is too dull to do a whole lot of sinning. Willie Martin was a member of that church.
Thanks to Willie's Super Valu for sending flowers for both my Dad and Mom's funerals. Thanks to Ken Hodgson for being the soloist for Mom's memorial service. Thanks to the wonderful First Lutheran Church choir, augmented by some talented UMM students, for singing. Bradley Miller directed as they sang one of my father's compositions!
The May 2 service was not the end. How wonderful that the UMM University Choir and Concert Choir dedicated its final concert of the year on May 4 to Mom and by extension to our whole family.
I visited Barrett Care Center on Monday to have lunch and touch base with some of the people there. Mom was there for about six weeks a year ago, then she came home to begin the hospice chapter of her life. I chatted with the Barrett administrator, the always agreeable Jeanine. Volunteer Mary made me feel welcome. The highlight was getting to pet the house cat named "Jingles!" The Barrett Care Center isn't just a care facility, it feels like home!
Oh, I'm so happy that members of the Cruze family attended Mom's services! These guys fall in the category of old high school friends, but now more than ever I consider them family too. Of all the flower arrangements at the funeral, the one I wanted brought home was the one from the Cruzes. Their parents were Carl and Leona Cruze. Mom and I didn't have much real family left to be at the funeral. So many have passed on to the next life.
What will that life hold for us? I do know that if I can't be immediately re-united with Mom, then I don't want to go. I hope to greet her as she's alongside our canine family members Misty, Heidi and Sandy.
The cover of the service program shows the deceased being greeted by Jesus in heaven. My parents were highly spiritual but in the temperate sort of way associated with their generation, the Depression and World War II generation. I will strive to keep attending church because they would want that, in the same way that Jimmy Stewart's deceased wife in "Shenandoah" decreed!
- Brian Williams - morris mn minnesota - bwilly73@yahoo.com
I agree it was a very nice memorial service for your mom
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