Warm feelings for both the Jacobses?

So, the "celebration of life" for the Jacobs couple is today (Monday, April 15). Maybe we should not pass any judgment because we cannot relate to the adversity of aging people. Surely we are all living longer and the challenges are getting more acute. We can be sure that economically challenged people are particularly at risk for stress.
We are encouraged now to "celebrate the lives" of the Jacobs couple. Maybe there is a warm impulse to think of them "entering heaven together." Most of us ought to be smart enough to realize there should be a counter impulse.
In one sense I can relate to the kind of stresses that Mr. Jacobs was taking on. Issues of our aging population are getting increased attention. I won't play holier than thou and say I can understand better than most people, just because my parents lived into their 90s. Mom and Dad dealt with, and overcame, serious health issues for a long time. Much as we strive to care properly for everyone, the human body ultimately fails us.
Alexandra Jacobs was in a very challenged phase of her life. She had broken her hip and it wasn't healing properly. She was in a wheelchair. But the worst part most likely was mental decline. She had signs of dementia. It's easy to surmise that Mr. Jacobs was overcome with sadness and anxiety and made his drastic decision. So a part of us might suggest this is sad and we must not pass judgment on anyone. Or, even this most troubling thought: "He did it out of love."
A major problem in this situation is that we cannot hold anyone accountable. Both husband and wife are deceased. All that's left is the funeral or "celebration of life." A funeral is certainly no place for pointing fingers or venting animosity. Oh my, animosity? Well ask yourselves this: what if Irwin had killed his wife but not killed himself? Empathy toward spouse/caregiver does not extend to murder, does it?

Irwin Jacobs - MPR news image

If matters were getting so stressful for Mr. Jacobs, could not he have turned his wife over to a memory care center? If her decline was so acute that Irwin couldn't take it, he could have said "goodbye" in a humane and touching way. And then, to get on with his own remaining years. The couple were only in their late 70s.
Mr. Jacobs wasn't as high-profile as he used to be. He had the image of a wheeling and dealing tycoon. Getting involved with the Minnesota Vikings was a good way to enter the limelight. Sometimes when a well-known person dies, we find a trivial memory about that person entering our thoughts. I remember when Irwin entered a business relationship with Fran Tarkenton the quarterback. The relationship soured. Irwin became very blunt and was quoted describing Tarkenton as a "loser." Perhaps he could have softened those feelings or vented behind closed doors.
Dying together means a joint obituary for the Jacobses. The opening sentence describes Alexandra as Irwin's "beloved wife." This is a beloved wife who Irwin chose to kill. We accept the word "beloved" because we have an impulse toward civility in these situations. We reason this is no time to be blunt or accusatory. But I again ask: what if Irwin had simply chosen to stay alive? Would the legal system or public sentiment allow him to use the excuse or explanation of Alexandra's health distress, as something he could no longer handle? Well, I do not think so.
Public sentiment would in fact be pretty harsh and unforgiving toward him. So why is it that, because he chose to take his own life too, we end up with an obituary that indicates in the first sentence that the wife was "beloved" to her husband? Why is it that such warm thoughts are projected? The first sentence merely says the two "passed away unexpectedly in their home." I don't think friends and family "expected" the husband to literally commit murder.
The obit does not suggest anything drastic. The second sentence describes the couple as "devoted parents and grandparents who prioritized and valued their family above all else." Isn't there huge irony staring at us here? Death was not a decision for Mr. Jacobs to make on behalf of his wife. It wasn't for him to decide that his spouse's life wasn't worth living any more. No one else could have gotten inside her head.
Is it sexist for us to think the husband might have the prerogative for committing such an act? I hope we're past that. The obit could have been written in a more terse way. Just give us the facts re. the deaths occurring. Family and survivor information and funeral schedule information. I find the warm and fuzzy stuff troubling. There would be nothing warm and fuzzy toward Mr. Jacobs had he survived. But the dual deaths should inspire nothing but sympathy? The media coverage seems to push in that direction.
Is this because the two were wealthy and powerful, well-known at one time?
Irwin never seemed to dodge media attention. He was a public figure. Would a poor and anonymous couple be treated in such generous, affectionate fashion in the case of a murder/suicide? Oh hell's bells, I think not. Celebrities come into our homes and onto our TV screens. It's why a part of us was not eager to condemn O.J. Simpson. We don't want to deal with the unpleasantness of passing judgment.
Do you stop to think about the very dark nature of the impulse to actually kill someone, to actually commit the act? The late Vince Bugliosi who wrote the book "Helter Skelter" said that a normal person can have the most sinister thoughts at times, harboring hate, but a normal person has a line in his mind he cannot cross. Whereas, murderers do not have that line. This is why murderers must be put away. Mr. Jacobs crossed the line.
I personally dealt with adversity and anxiety as my parents had diminished physical and mental attributes toward the end. The one-year anniversary of Mom's death is coming up in about a week. Both my parents died within a few feet of me at home. Fortunately that's where they were: at home. Dad lacked home hospice because, I found out later, his personal physician did not believe in it! I disagree with that. However, this is a doctor who saved my father's life in the 1980s.
The doctor took over from another doctor who was negligent - I won't name names. My father had told the negligent doctor that he was feeling tightening in the chest. The doc simply responded "you're getting older."
Somehow - I forget the details - the other doc became aware of this, blew a gasket and got Dad to the Twin Cities as fast as possible for heart bypass. Dad was rewarded with 30 more years of life. So fragile was his condition at his time of crisis, there was concern he might not make it to the operating table. He most surely did, and what a happy outcome.
Mom's story with health issues was more complicated. A clergy person asked me if I was "relieved" when she died. I heard someone say that Mom's death was a "blessing." These were well-meaning people and I understand the place in their heart where these comments sprung. But I felt blessed having the company of my parents until the end. If you saw Mom in what appeared to be a distressed or confused state, I'll have you know this was not constant. In the morning she was particularly good and stable, calm and aware. I'd see the first rabbit in our back yard and say "there's Mr. Rabbit." And Mom would say "they know we won't hurt them."
Blood is thicker than water. I was always prepared to deal with economic uncertainties resulting from indefinite nursing care for either Mom or Dad. Have you seen promos for seminars on "how to protect family assets from the nursing home?" I'm not sophisticated enough to get into all that. I got braced for dealing with the worst financially. I had joint bank accounts with Mom until the end.
Apparently there were some issues that Mr. Jacobs could not deal with. Surely he had sophistication. Our sympathy for both of the Jacobses should be muted at this point. There is not warmth to be felt about both. Being rich or a celebrity gives no license or cushion for doing something unthinkable.
- Brian Williams - morris mn minnesota - bwilly73@yahoo.com