We can all tell stories about signs

Note the "no loitering" sign on the edge of the old Coborn's parking lot. We should be so lucky as to have people loitering in the old Coborn's lot. Coborn's is gone with the wind. Now we have tumbleweeds, at least figuratively speaking. Couldn't our economic developer have done more to try to keep Coborn's here? Was the issue the liquor license? Who knows, but Morris hasn't been completely the same since Coborn's, a 24-hour "people" place, left town. Maybe the ghosts of the old loiterers are still hanging around.

Signs can be vague, funny and confusing. Oh, we can all tell stories.
We have all "missed" a sign at one time or another.

I finished a pleasant swim in Lake Minnewaska a few years ago only to notice, when coming ashore, a sign advising against swimming that day. Fortunately I didn't develop "lake itch."

I remember once in my life coming down with a horrible episode of this affliction, and it was after swimming in Page Lake. Sorry, Hancock.

Page Lake does present a nice aesthetic enhancement for Hancock. Please show caution about getting wet.

Maybe as an adult I have developed some sort of immunity. I have splashed around in Lake Latoka, Alexandria, several times over the past few years. Wonderful place. No bad consequences.

Jim Bouton the author of "Ball Four" told a story about missing a sign. The baseball player had to retrieve some items from a stadium when it was officially closed - I believe it was a minor league park - and he scaled a fence.

He got what he needed and departed. He saw a sign: "Warning: guard dog patrolling area."

I had to laugh at that because you got the image of a dog consciously following an assigned route. Bouton imagined the headline in the next day's paper: "(Name of city) pitcher mauled to death at second base."

I can remember missing signs three times in my life, that got me off course.

Look out when you're coming home from Breckenridge. In my case, I was actually coming home from Grand Forks or Fargo. It was getting late into the night.

There's a left turn you have to make outside of Breckenridge. If you don't, you'll end up seeing the World's Largest Mallard outside of Wheaton MN. I doubt the thick of night gives you enough cover (excuse) to deal with ending up in the wrong place.

I followed a "shortcut" from Montevideo to Lowry once. It was a little involved, with several turns along lightly-traveled roads (i.e. "back roads").

I missed one turn. I came upon some industrial-type buildings and found myself asking "what town is this?" It was Willmar.

At this point I could use horse sense to get where I needed to be. I was somewhat late but it wasn't a disaster.

Thinking of "shortcuts" reminds me of when Leonard Anderson ("Trombone Andy" RIP of Wheaton) informed of a shortcut across Mud Lake (in winter of course). We passed on that one.

I was en route from a musical gig many years ago, probably in Marshall (the old "Blue Moon" ballroom, since razed by fire), when I got off course and ended up in Clara City. I had passengers at least one of whom didn't find this funny. That individual was the band director in Hoffman (initials D.D.).

These are all very human mistakes. We're supposed to laugh about them years later.

I'm writing about them now in a spirit of levity. (I learned the word "levity" from a Laurel and Hardy short.)

One type of sign that perplexes me is "road closed." Or, "road closed to thru traffic," or "local traffic only."

The huge problem with these signs is how flexible the definition of these words can be.

Last summer there was a "road closed" sign at the entrance of the road taking you to the Pomme de Terre Lake access. This is a road that comes off Highway 59 North.

I thought, "Surely they can't be serious. Surely the access isn't shut off to people."

I wasn't calling anyone "Shirley."

But I resented the complication and even slightest doubt over what the intention of the sign was.

Later, when talking to some of the most informed people around Morris - this is of course the group that assembles at McDonald's on weekday mornings - I was informed that, heck, of course you could have gone in there.

So it was one of those "road closed" signs with a loose interpretation.

"You just have to know."

The authorities were probably just discouraging wholesale traffic from rumbling through there.

That road is an issue. To the extent any work has been done on it, it has just been torn up and returned to its dirt road roots.

And it's a terrible dirt road, at least between the highway and the access. My goodness, I got behind a truck a couple weeks ago and faced a horrifying cloud of dust. Just as bad was the washboard-like quality the road is taking on.

Good grief, let's get some public works projects going. I know Republicans don't want to spend any money, but we need to take care of our surroundings.

I have written before that the Pomme de Terre access and Pomme de Terre Lake chain are under-appreciated assets of the Morris area. They should have higher visibility.

A bumpy dirt road isn't a step in the right direction at all.

If you look to the south along that road, you'll see a no trespassing sign that I find annoying. You'll see the words "We don't call 9-1-1."

I think I know the person who owns the property and that helps. You aren't inclined to take it literally. Perhaps it's meant to be somewhat funny. Strangers, though, aren't likely to see it that way.

I have a main street business friend who has always been amused by the sign on business front doors: "Back in 20 minutes."
From when?

Handicapped parking signs confused some people when they were new.

Handicapped parking spots aren't for handicapped people, of course, they are for cars that have handicapped stickers.

When I was a kid there were no handicapped spots, or child car seats or bicycle helmets, or I could list about 50 other things. How did us boomers ever survive? Will the kids of today develop their defensive instincts?

I once saw a no parking sign worded "Don't even think of parking here."

At the bottom you'll usually see "vehicle towed at owner's expense." But wait, that sentence has actually been tweaked of late. Now it's "vehicle towed at vehicle owner's expense."

What would be do without lawyers?

Many years ago there were side-by-side billboards in Morris that were a hoot. On the left, the big word was "Priesthood." On the right: "Kiss Ethyl goodbye."

Remember "ethyl" gasoline? When I was a kid, we'd pull into a gas station and my father would say to the attendant "fill 'er up ethyl."

Of course, we don't even have attendants now.

"Pumping gas" was an occupation cited in the song "Do you know the way to San Jose?" That was a signature song from the boomers' youth, when we navigated all the perils of life without the likes of bicycle helmets.

And, before we had to "clean up" after our dogs. And when smokers would light up anywhere.

Ah, signs. We can all tell amusing stories. (I'm getting Andy Rooney-esque now.)

I remember on those musical excursions of days gone by, penetrating the North or South Dakota darkness at some ungodly hour, seeing a sign "Stockholm 20 miles." Or "Havana 20 miles."

A jokester in the back seat would chirp: "Must've taken a wrong turn."

No, only if I end up in Clara City.

- Brian Williams - morris mn Minnesota - bwilly73@yahoo.com